Love me right or leave me alone

We tend to talk about love as if it’s some one size fits all idea…..

We think that because someone says they love us, and we love them back we must except their love in any way they express it, and If we don’t, it was never love to begin with. In some cases, this is entirely true, however sometimes the question is not, Does this person love me?  It’s are they expressing their love in a way that satisfies me.

You as a person, weather you know it or not have a specific way that you need to be loved. You have a way in which you internally desire for another person to express their affection for you. If you find yourself with a person who does not want to or is not capable of providing you with affection in the way that you require, a void is created in your relationship that is typically impossible to fill.

It took me a while to find out what I wanted from a partner when it comes to expressing their emotions non-sexually. I personally, require two main expressions of  love.

 

Physical displays of affection

Of course, the obvious comes to mind, but I’m not talking about that. I’m referring more to: being kissed repeatedly just because, holding hands and kicking cans, putting your arm around me or grabbing me close to you and leaning in until we are for head to for head.

For a long time, I cheated myself out of love like this. Toxic relationships had turned me cold and convinced me that I didn’t need it or even like it. I came up with the idea that men who liked to express their feelings this way were soft and that I found it annoying. I closed my self-off from men that expressed themselves this way regularly out of fear that I would get used to it and if/when things didn’t work out and I ended up with some one more “my type” it would be harder to adjust.

Verbal confirmation

Tell me you love me, and how much I mean to you… often

“He’s too clingy “meaning:  he looked me in my eyes and told me he loved me, and it made me feel vulnerable, so I panicked and talked myself into believing that there’s something wrong with him, when I’m really just damaged and not used to receiving genuine love.

This was me, every time a man began to talk about his feelings I could not even bring myself to make eye contact. I’m not sure if it’s because I didn’t feel deserving of the love or if it’s because I really had no idea how to reciprocate it. I told myself that men that spoke like this were doing too much.

I got to a point where these two types of love became crucial to in my relationships. At first, I would try to overlook the fact that someone didn’t love me in these ways and of course the relationship would fail, and it didn’t help that I was unable to express what I needed.

Later when I learned to express my emotional needs, people would respond with things like “that’s just not me” or “look at what I do for you can’t you tell that I love you?”

You do not have to accept these answers. Someone who truly loves you will make a valid effort to please you emotionally. It’s ok to have a standard for how we need to be loved. Don’t ever let anyone convince you that you’re asking for too much.

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